You can’t be serious. A round robin?

Ever been in one of those situations? One of those skin tingling, teeth scraping, worryingly cringy situations? The kind where you desperately want to say no but you’re too polite to do so. I am in one of those situations…right….now.

My neighbor, lets call him Norbert, is around 60 years old. I have never really spoken to Norbert except for the odd “Hello”, “Alright”, “Cracking day” etc. With this in mind you can imagine how surprised I was when Norbert shouted me over one day and said..

Norbert: Is it squash or tennis you play?

Ok. Don’t panic. Just some general neighborly chit-chat, I thought.

Me: Erm, Squash. Me and my mate have just started actually.

At this point Norbert stood up (wearing only his short green shorts and Italiano mustache) and looked much, much too interested to suggest that only a general neighborly chat was taking place.

Norbert: Yeh, I used to play Squash. Quite enjoyed it. Where do you play?

By this time I was starting to smell a rat. Is he going to….? No surely not….

Norbert: Maybe I could come down with you two next time you play. Saturday right?

Gulp. Did that just happen. What do I say? Be forceful, stay firm and just – say – no.

Me: Yeh sure. I’ll give you a shout next time we’re going down.

Completely, completely, completely wrong answer. This puts me in the following situation:

1. I have a 60 year old Italian retiree watching my every move in the hope I will invite him to play Squash.
2. I need to hide my Squash racket at the end of the street so that Norbert cannot see me taking it out of the house.
3. I must provide new excuses, almost daily, as to why I didn’t invite Norbert to the game.

I had just about got to grips with these three challenging points when, walking back to my house, I heard..

Norbert: Has your Mum’s car got a flat tyre?

Pardon? Is this some sort of cockney rhyming slang distorted by the Italian language into something truly random? Unfortunately….no.

Norbert: Yeh, I noticed It was flat. Actually. Wait here. I’ve got just the thing. Does the car have a cigarette lighter?

Does any car built in the last 30 years not have a cigarette lighter? At this point Norbert went into Norbert’s house and came back out with a cigarette-lighter powered tyre pump. I took the pump and scurried back to my own home as quickly as etiquette allowed. I then placed the pump on the Kitchen table and turned around to shut the front door – BHAM! There was Norbert!

Norbert: Remember this is all psychological for when we’re 9-9 and you realise that you should let me win because I lent you the pump.

At this point I felt quite frightened. Was Norbert hoping to come in? Will Norbert hound me until I invite him to play? Did Norbert slash my Mum’s car tyre in some cunning plan to get himself invited? Where I go from here is anybody’s guess. Wish me luck and say hello to Norbert….

Round Robin anyone?

for not only does Norbert want to play squash. He wants to play it in the most squalid manner – the Round Robin. If anyone is not familiar with this method – I won’t bore you with the details. Needless to say it is the least manly, most cringe-worthy way of playing any sport. I have been polite so far but Norbert has raised the bar and I cannot, must not comply. I will not play a Round Robin.

For the love of Nadal….

PS. That’s not really Norbert.